To the bald headed white man with shiny red boots on at Dartford train station. I hope I see you in court.
Yesterday, (Saturday night) I was at Dartford train station. Speaking on FaceTime video with my friend in Atlanta. Pacing the platform like I usually do( I’m not the best at sitting/standing still) as I walk back up the platform, I see a white male. Neatly presented. Bald head. Blue jeans rolled up at the hem. Shiny red boots on and a black smart jacket. I’d say late forties age wise. He’s smoking a cigarette and has a bottle of alcopop perched on a post by his side. This is being done and the South Eastern employee (black man might i add) is standing very close. I walk past and say to the employee are we smoking on platforms now? We are allowed to casually smoke on the platform? The employee now says “oh i didn’t even realise”. *side eye* I highly doubt that- we can all smell the cigarette mate.
Anyway, he then proceeds to politely tell the man to put it out- the man clearly irritated puts it out then starts to verbally assault me “you’re a miserable lady you are, just fuck off you political leftist”. So I turn round and look at him- the entire time I’m still on facetime- he literally edges towards me- I guess it was an attempt to intimidate me. Obviously the ancestors within me have never allowed it and they will never allow it. I fully turn now to face him and say, I’m sorry who are you speaking too? Why are you insulting me? Are you supposed to be smoking on the platform? He said, “oh fuck off you miserable lady I know your type you’re miserable” or something along those lines. Again I said stop swearing at me. He then, proceeded to get loud- now I am not one to shy away from getting loud, for fear of looking like “the angry black woman”. God forbid. If you push me I WILL react in the way I deem fit. White societies’ oppressive stereotypes no longer have any baring on me. I will speak up and be loud AF too if the situation calls for it.
Anyway he gets loud, I get louder (what can I say, I get it from my dad- I can out shout anyone TRUST ME). As this is happening the black employee is standing there not saying a word. Not one word. Then three other south eastern employees (white males) arrive at the scene- and I don’t know if thats what hyped him to get even worse- I said why are you getting irate? You’re not the only one on the platform not everybody wants to smell your smoke- again he swore at me . Imagine how enraged he was- because he wasn’t allowed to break this law, that he feels he is so entitled to break at the expense of others. I replied him in disbelief, (by this point I can’t believe the audacity of this man) “You’re so entitled”. He then replies, “I’m entitled? that’s the problem with you people”. At this point I’m livid . “Who is you people ?!” I ask. He then pushes me in my chest with both hands. Not once but twice. I then put the phone down finally and decide to focus.
Lord knows I wanted to head butt him. Right there and then. But the thought of scuffling with this burly bald headed white man on the train platform stopped me. I thought this surely can’t be what I have to resort too. At this point one of the south eastern employees finally makes a feeble attempt to put a stop to the mans barrage, when it seemed he was getting more and more hyped. Obviously he has four males around him- not one of them are really apprehending him, it’s like they are scared or they are pledging their white allegiance or a mix of both- so he doesn’t waver. However once the employee speaks up, he relents a bit but not before saying “it has nothing to do with colour”. Lol. Bingo. You are the one that mentioned colour because you knew your actions were so absurd. The entire time I didn’t mention colour yet you knew exactly what your actions looked like and ended up with the typical “it’s not about colour”.
Anyway, one of the other workers in typical white style, comes over and says, in fact tries to shout at me, to move along the platform. I said absolutely fucking not. How dare you come here and the first thing you do is chastise me?! Typical. He is the one smoking on the platform- he is the one that started hurling insults at me, he is the one that put his hands on me, but you come and the first thing you do is tell me to move and shout in my face? Typical White racist behaviour. Support the white man at all costs. I said no sir. Try again. The man stutters a bit and stands there looking stupid. Eventually he utters “okay”and walks off with the man who assaulted me and then even puts him on the train after having his little white heart to heart like they do.
I spoke to the white employee who had made a minor effort to stop the dispute- I said to him you guys did nothing to help me, you stood there and let him assault me- he then replies you were shouting I said because he started shouting at me first and he assaulted me- he then says well what did you want us to do? I said at least call the police if you couldn’t stop him. He responded, “that’s for you to do not us.” Imagine. He actually said those words to me. Now heaven forbid that was me at the station, smoking casually or even at the station with no train ticket. You would have exercised your power then right? You’d have been quick to call transport police to drag my ass.
So I stood there in tears and dialled the police myself. Feeling degraded, deflated and livid, at again having to defend my humanity and ask for basic human rights and compassion. The basic compassion that is given to other women but not the black woman. Not one of the four male employees that were present offered to help me- not one of them said to me after, are you okay? In-fact, I even said to the black employee, the one who was originally there. Was he not smoking on the platform? He said yes. I said “and was I not walking off when he started verbally insulting me? Is that not why I got loud?” He Looks at me hesitated and replies “Well I don’t remember. I just know you were both arguing.”
Lord God, the cowardice.
I just shook my head at him. I am not sure if it was the fear of White people, or the unspoken law of patriarchy that made him do that- but it broke my heart. My soul definitely felt the hit. Not all skin folk are kin folk. Had the woman have been white and a random black man was verbally and physically assaulting her. I guarantee you the three white men would have sprung into action. And had the black man had said something that was derogatory to them as a race I promise you these workers wouldn’t be silent, neither would they be feigning amnesia. But you as usual felt the need to do nothing. In fact your only input was that I was raising my voice as well.
The fact that this burly white male, who you would otherwise think was reasonable, was so antagonised that this black woman had the audacity to speak about him smoking, decided to resort to insulting me, then raising his voice and then when that didn’t work, he decided to physically put his hands on me. He HAD TO SHOW ME THAT HE WAS BOSS. He did not expect this black woman to bite back. Do you see how barabaric that is? Do you see their inherent nature? The constant need to subdue and “rightfully” restore the equilibrium Of false superiority by any means necessary? All his attempts at intimidating me did not work. So the only logical thing for him to do next was put his hands on me. At one point he was even goading me. As I was trying to explain what happened to the other south eastern employee – I could hear him saying ‘oh you’re a liar as well lying now are you?’, I chose to ignore him and carry on speaking to the employee.
Every one of them capitalised on the fact that I shouted. Nothing else mattered. I should just have stood there quietly whilst he assaulted me verbally and physically and then I’d have shown myself worthy of support. I am the one who behaved badly because I raised my voice? We live in a mad society and I am sick and tired of white males making black females especially, their targets. I am sick of black males sitting by and doing nothing. I am sick to death of always having to have my own damn back. I am sick to death of this racist patriarchal system that does nothing to protect the black female. Even my 999 call to the police, when I mentioned it was racially aggravated and the men stood by and did nothing the officer on the phone retorted, “Yh well I just need to gather what happened- take that up with the employers”. Zero support, no empathy, not one person said I am sorry, how are you feeling ? Are you okay?
The strong black woman. Not really ever viewed as human or deserving of attention or support. We have always been our own hero’s, our own saviours. Britain Transport Police eventually called me back and asked if I wanted to press charges. I said ABSOLUTELY. You do not get to put your hands on me because you are so barbaric and uncivilised, you become enraged when your faux intimidation tactics don’t work and you want to soothe your toxic male ego.
I remember when I was younger my older brother would say “run your mouth like a man get punched up like a man”. Smh. Young me ascribed to that. Older me understands how toxic that statement is. A lot of men ascribe to that notion. You see women as so beneath you that if she speaks to you in a way that you deem unacceptable then you have the right to put your hands on her? Were you raised in the jungle? Someone says something to you with their mouth and you feel like they have no right to speak to you because ego and toxic masculinity- so you decide to physically attack them. Do you not see that makes you mad?
Anyway, after all of this I felt so drained. My energy was exhausted. From having to exert the strength to match and beat him in a shouting match. To being shocked that not one of the males helped, (obviously white males will always support themsleves like pack animals, but then the black male that would rather say he forgot who started the altercation than to be seen showing support for a black woman), down to just feeling so tired and alone. This is the type of shit that white women will never have to do deal with. White People in general will never have to deal with this. Their entitlement tells them they can do and undo and nothing happens. They can treat people especially anyone who isn’t white, however they want and nothing happens.
I am tired of you guys and your stupid biases, that you think justify your sickness towards black people. If nobody has told you before, I am telling you now that It is a sickness. Racism and the defence of racism and it’s institutions, is a PSYCHOSIS and I am not interested in playing your games anymore. It is not my job to help you deal with your madness and biases. It is YOUR job. Sit amongst yourself and figure out why you are so insecure you feel the need to constantly treat those who look different to you in a demeaning way to soothe your ego. Why is your worth based off of bringing others down? Ask yourselves that in your meetings. It is not our job as black people to pander to you or educate you. You designed the system, you implemented it. You benefit from it. Figure it out. I will be on the other side working with my people to heal our trauma, the trauma inflicted on us for centuries as a result of your insecurities and madness. We do not owe you any explanations or fucking niceties.
To the bald headed white man, with shiny red boots on, at Dartford train station…I hope I see you in court.