I cannot at this point in my life date a man who is not a ‘feminist’. One that scoffs at the basic idea of ‘feminism’. I cannot at this point in my life start to explain to you why women wanting equality shouldn’t make you angry or scare you. It is truly absurd to me. We as black people already spend our entire lives justifying to white supremacy, why we deserve equal rights. We scoff at them like ‘these crazy people imagine not giving someone equal rights just because of their skin tone and in essence because you are jealous of them.’ So we deal with that from white supremacy but we also have to deal with patriarchy and men who feel they have the right to oppress women in essentially the same way? Why? Who gave you that right? Why do you get to decide what we do to our hair? How we dress? What we can and can’t complain about. Why do you get to jump into the discourse with opinions on what is considered to be worthy of debate and what we should and shouldn’t be offended about. It is not happening to you. It is happening to us.
“Na pessin wey dey wear d shoe know where e dey pinch am.”
If the suffragettes had listened to men, women would not have been given the right to vote. If women had sat down and kept quiet we wouldn’t have been allowed to get a credit card, play football (in 1921 a group of physicians deemed the sport unfit for the female body! Lol) or even watch the olympics (this in particular was punishable by death). So you see, you cannot tell women what they can and cannot be upset about when it comes to their personal experiences at the hands of patriarchy. If women had continued to listen to society we wouldn’t have the degree of Liberty we have now. You can listen and try to see how you as men can do better. Not find a way to shut her down and get her to accept her “role/position”. You don’t have to oppress us just so you can feel superior and soothe your ego. Because that is essentially what you do when you shut down a woman’s cry for help. When you know in your heart you couldn’t take something but you expect a woman to because “that’s just the way it is”. That is you being a shitty human being. We really need to do better.
Nigerian rapper Falz, during his album ‘Moral instructions’ event, made a comment along the lines of “I have a problem with women who say other women should be allowed to sell their bodies for sex, but in the same breathe complain about women being objectified’. That statement blew my mind. It showed just how damaged society’s stance on women truly is. It befuddles me that any rational thinking person could come to this conclusion, It made me realise that a lot of men are happy with the system of oppression that women go through daily because it benefits them, they aren’t the ones suffering. So they don’t want to lose this benefit, they would rather women be quiet and resign to the oppression. They are very quick to blame women and hand out ‘moral instructions’ to women than men. Undercover misogynists. I find that men tend to do this when they feel inadequate. Instead of telling women not to sell their bodies for sex if they don’t want to be objectified, not to wear short skirts if they don’t want to be raped. How about we tell men that irrespective of a woman’s profession or dress sense she is worthy of respect…you know because she is a human being just like you are. How about we tell men that a “naked” body doesn’t warrant assault. You are not a barbarian. You should be able to control your sexual urges. Instead of teaching men that, that’s just how they are built they have no control over their desires, they should be taught that nakedness doesn’t equate assault. They should be taught that a naked or scantily clad body does not mean you can touch it or that you have to have it sexually. It is primitive thinking and primitive behaviour. In fact even in the ancient days women were very “scantily clad” men didn’t feel like they had to attack them or that their sexual desire must be fuflfilled by them just because of this. They were able to control themselves.
The naked body doesn’t equate sex neither does a fully dressed female body equate sex. When you see a woman and all you see is sex you are deeply flawed. And instead of addressing this, society makes excuses and tells men it is true. That it is normal for you to see a woman and the first thing you think of is sex, it makes sense right? Nah. I beg to differ. It is not normal. They have normalised it and made us believe that it is a fact because it enables them to maintain their system of oppression. The system of oppression that they created. They created the selling and buying of sex in order to further oppress women and to boost their ego and level of control. Unfortunately for them women started capitalising of of this; that was never patriarchy’s plan and it has enraged them. Handling sex in financial terms was never supposed to give some women the amount of freedom and stability that it has given them. So now men are mad and lashing out at this. Because they want to be able to comfortably use a woman without any benefit to her. They want to be able to comfortably use you in peace.
People shouldn’t be sleeping around period. If you are talking about morality, then tackle casual sex, it shouldn’t be happening period. See men don’t tackle that because casual sex isn’t the issue, they want to have casual sex, but they want the women to remain weaker as a result of it. They do not want her to benefit from this encounter in any way shape or form because it in turn makes them feel less. So the narrative becomes ‘she’s a whore’, ‘she’s a prostitute’, ‘she’s benefiting financially from sex’, ‘that’s not what sex is about’. Yes, but you that is having casual sex with any and everything is that what sex is about? You (men) created this market. Without your demand there would be no sex market. What about the men who also sell sex? Or the men who are paying for sex? The consumers? Why’s the focus not on them? Why’s the focus again on the woman? It’s the woman’s responsibility to take the “moral high ground”, why? Even promiscuous behaviour. Yes sleeping around is bad but it’s worse for women? Why when you sleep around, ‘you’re the man’, but if a woman does, ‘she’s a whore’? Why aren’t both the men and women whores? It’s mind boggling the level of oppression we have been subjected to and have been told ‘that’s just the way it is. Suck it up’. What’s even worse is that now a days even women co sign this oppression, they have accepted these things and also join in the public bashing and degradation of women who speak out against these things. I believe it is one of two things; either they feel like it is the right way society should function genuinely as they know no better or they actually know its wrong but they don’t mind, they’ll bash these other women because it makes they themselves seem more appealing, the classic ‘pick me’. I don’t get too mad at them though as I know they are a victim of circumstance, they’re attempting to navigate this world and the cards we have been dealt in the way they feel is best beneficial to them. Selfish, but understandable.
Just like a lot of people (men and even more perplexing, women) see a woman breastfeeding in public and become incensed. That is absurd. The purpose of the breast is to feed our babies. Period. So now because men have sexualised the breast and the female body to the extent that when we see it in its glory or being used for what it is intended, we become uncomfortable. A baby suckling from his mothers breast should not sicken you. Neither should it look sexual to you. Instead of telling women not to breast feed in public, tell society that breast feeding is nothing to be hidden or ashamed of. Men and even some women shouldn’t be taught to blame the victims of sexual assault (or demonise women who want to dress in a certain way or breast feed their babies in public,) the aggressor, the abuser, is the one that cannot control themselves, you can’t blame the victim for your shortcomings, you are the one with the issue. Men should be taught to deeply look inside themselves and understand that the person committing the assault is the one with the issue. They are the root cause. Not the victim.
Let’s teach our sons to do better. Teach them that their superiority or self worth shouldn’t be based off of how superior they supposedly are or feel to women. Lording over us doesn’t make you superior. It doesn’t make you better. Society thrives off of marginalising people. If it’s not for race, it’s for gender, if it’s not gender, it’s class, it’s wealth. Sometimes it is a combination of all these things. People have this inherent need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better. They lose all sense of moral reasoning or even empathy, just to be able to keep their false manufactured superiority. The essence of manhood has for a very long time and still is based off off this false superiority, so when they see someone that supposedly threatens this notion that they are on top, that they are the best, they lash out. They will do anything to soothe their ego and maintain this stance as the so called best. A lot of the time, at our expense.
So no at this stage in my life I refuse to date a man who isn’t a feminist. Asking for basic equality would not fill the kind of person that I end up with, with dread or rage. Equality only scares the weak. Whoever I end up with will be so confident in himself, be so aligned with his purpose and understanding of the world, that he will see the value of a woman. In every sense. He will not be an undercover misogynist. His self worth will not be based off of how superior he is to a woman. He will not view women as lesser beings. Not just me but all women. He will have an inherent respect for women. He will not deny that we live in a patriarchal society that predominantly favours men. He will not view women as helpless beings, incapable of making the best decisions for their lives. Neither will he make the juvenile argument that asking for equality means we shouldn’t be offered a helping hand or that we hate men. He will view women as capable well rounded human beings. Deserving of all the things he is deserving off. Period. #Unravelyoursoul